"These are my heartsongs"


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Saturday, November 28, 2009

When I admire the wonder of a sunset...my soul expands in worship of the Creator ~ Mahatma Ghandi

The crowning aspect of living here, for me, is the sunsets. After spending a week on a luxurious boat, stopping at famously beautiful cities and beaches on the Pacific coast of Mexico, hiking through a lush jungle and snorkeling with amazing fish, I found myself on my drive home, ecstatic about the Arizona skies, bathed in the colors of the setting sun. This daily phenomenon could be enough to live for if I had nothing else.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

"What I did on the 2nd week of November"

I went on a cruise.

It was amazing.

Be jealous.



Pictures will come soon.

Friday, November 6, 2009

I'm (Getting) On A Boat!

This Saturday, I'm heading to LA to meet up with my brother, his roommate, and one of our mutual friends for a 7-night cruise! I'll be thinking of you while livin' it up along the Pacific coast of Mexico...I promise! :D

I can't pack lightly...it just doesn't happen, and it's something I give myself permission to do, so the large majority of my closet is sitting in a pile in my open suitcase tonight, along with my snorkel, camera(s), and several books I'm eager to read on my vacation. We registered this spring, so I've been looking forward to this for a long time, but it kinda snuck up on me, and now I can't believe it's here!

So, if you notice I'm not living on Facebook like usual, know that it's because I'm feasting on the buffets & trying to figure out how in the world they folded my towel into the shape of a 1964-1/2 Mustang...

(I'm just crossing my fingers that renditions of T-Pain's musical masterpiece will be kept to a minimum.)

From CR Tortuga Island

Last time I was on a boat, in Costa Rica, they ran out of gas on our way home!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Baby Factories

It seems like just about every other day, someone is putting up pictures of their newborn child on my Facebook news feed. The other night, I was curious to know if my noticing this was some unconscious hyper-sensitivity of mine about not having children, or a legitimate reality, so I did a quick survey of my 'friends list' to count how many were pregnant or had had a child in 2009...the result? 50 babies born to 449 friends! (Some of whom are married to each other and parents of the same said babies). So, over 10 percent of my friends have had babies in this year alone.

Feeling validated in my hypothesis, I clicked the 'Home' link before closing out the window & going to bed, and a new status popped up from a friend I haven't talked to in a year or two: "Tom Church Is going to offically be a daddy today...my lil man should be here sometime around 9am."

...make that 51.

Monday, October 26, 2009

New Look!

October always ends up being a time for me to renovate my hair and/or makeup. It's sad that it takes considering what to be for halloween (looking like someone else) for me to decide I want to change the way *I* look! I've been tossing around the idea of getting bangs since this summer, and finally did it today!


Here's my 'before' - no makeup, 2 month-old haircut with no styling.



and, after an hour with Emily at the JCPenney salon down the street, here's my Audrey Hepburn-inspired-with-a-modern-twist new 'do! (I'm reprising my Audrey costume from a few years ago...rationale: no one in Mesa has seen it, so it's "new"!)



I realized while talking with my hairstylist, that I haven't had bangs in 13 years! I'm happy with the change so far :)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Real Woman Creed

You know those little things around the house that sit in front of you all the time, and become invisible because they're so obvious? I rediscovered one this week! A year or so ago, a friend gave me a copy something that inspired her, and it stays pinned up on my bulletin board above my desk. A few nights ago, I suddenly saw it again & actually read it for the first time in a while. It's good stuff, so I thought I'd share :)

THE REAL WOMAN CREED

I believe that within me lies an extraordinary radiance,
and I commit to letting my light loose in the world.

I believe that the source of my power and wisdom is in the center
of my being, and I commit to acting from this place of strength.

I belive that I possess an abundance of passion and creative
potential and I commit to the expression of these gifts.

I believe that the time has come to let go of old notions
and unhealthy attitudes, and I commit to re-examine what
I have been told about beauty and dismiss what insults my soul.

I believe that negative thoughts and words compromise
my well-being, and I commit to thinking and speaking postitively
about myself and others.

I believe that young women are in need of positive role models,
and I commit to being an example of authenticity and self-love.

I belive in the relationship between my well-being and the well-being
of the planet, and I commit to a life of mindfulness that regards
all living things as holy and worthy of my love.

I believe it is my spiritual responsibility to care for my body
with respect, kindness and compassion. I commit to balancing my
life in such a way that my physical being is fully expressed and nurtured.

I belive that joy is an essential part of wellness, and I commit
to removing obstacles to joy and creating a life that is full of exuberance.

I belive that a woman who loves herself is a powerful,
passionate, attractive force, and I commit, from this day forward,
to loving myself deeply and extravagantly.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Grand Canyon!

Mike & I camped at the Grand Canyon a few weeks ago. That night's low? 22F! I was prepared with a sleeping bag, lots o' layers of clothes, and a big sheet of plastic to wrap myself up burrito-style inside the sleeping bag & was toasty warm all night, but he was roughin' it, seeing how well he could tolerate the cold with just what we used on the trail at anasazi (where he also works)...he survived, but said his feet were freezing most of the night! We lucked out to get to the south rim just in time for a few sunset pics, and then dragged ourselves from our beds at 4:45 a.m. to get there for the sunrise also! Beautiful sights!









The crows around there were crazy big! I got really close to this one while he was sitting on the stone wall before he took off & I caught this.


Ummmmazing!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

New Kid

I remember feeling this way when I moved to Memphis. Knew it was part of the package in moving to Mesa...and this week I am officially frustrated with being new in town, not knowing people, and wanting a few good friends. My ward at church is huge, and somewhat overwhelming, which I have let hinder me in jumping in with both feet. 80-100 people at FHE every week feels kind of ridiculous to me and, with my quiet voice, it's not a good way to start getting to know people.

I don't see any certain group of people with any consistency here, like I did in Memphis, which means I'm gonna have to make a more proactive effort to make friends. There are a TON of people here that I could meet and get to know, in and out of my ward/stake/neighborhood. The people I've met through Kirsten all live on the other side of town, and the people I've met through institute are spread all over. I've joined a couple of photography Meetup groups online, but not been careful about scheduling around the times they get together. And sometimes I feel lazy/antisocial/intimidated about getting out and meeting new people, like tonight for instance!

Some girls in my ward had a 'crazy hat/sock birthday party' tonigh, but I chickened out of going at the last minute cause I had nothing to wear and didn't want it to turn into another wander-around-in-a-room-too-loud-for-others-to-hear-me-talk scenario. Mostly I didn't want to go alone. But I gotta get to know people if I don't want to go alone.

This week I'ma make the effort find someone who I can/want get to know enough to feel comfortable calling to go with me to something like tonight's party. I need a wing-woman!...or something like that :)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

something new

I'm going to start posting more often. My dilemma in blogging is that I seem to make pretty superficial posts, or write more personal things that feel like a page out of a diary. There's a balance to be found, and I'm my goal is to find & develop it. This goes along with a lot of how I've been feeling the past several weeks. I'm looking for a balance, a nitch that I really fit into, rather the two extremes I seem to fall into in life...I find myself doing something that is an effort at looking like I'm cool, savvy, interesting, but I really don't know what i'm doing or going to another extreme of throwing everything I've got into an interest for a few days, then deciding it's not really what I want.


My lifelong paradigm has been that I want to be cool, but I want to be smart. And I can't seem to be able to find a way to be either, let alone both.


Same thing with friends. I like a lot of the people around me, but I have trouble feeling like I REALLY connect with anyone to the point of being good friends. So I make an effort to be social, smile a lot, try to connect with people, but come away wanting more from the interaction. OR, I spend a lot of time at home, doing things I enjoy, which could also be shared with other people, only, I don't know anyone whom I would enjoy sharing them with.


So, I'm not quite sure what the solution is to all that, but I'm going to try to practice finding a middle by practicing writing a balanced exposition of my thought and feelings and doings.

What Might Have Been, or, Finished Business

I'm pretty happy with my life lately. I struck out on my own to move to Phoenix, AZ a few months ago and am figuring out my place here slowly, but surely. I'll possibly head off to Colombia at the beginning of next year for a semester teaching English, or I may stay in AZ to gain residency status and start a Spanish/English Translation program. This month I spent a few days at the Grand Canyon, a few days in Albuquerque, NM, and next month I'm going on a cruise to the "Mexican Riviera", and maybe doing a camping/touristy trip through the length of California. Amazing, incredible opportunities. Opportunities I wouldn't have if I were married right now. Sometimes I get impatient waiting for that opportunity to come, but I know it will eventually, and it will be when and where I will benefit most from it.

Every once in a while a blast from the past will come out of nowhere and remind me where I've been. It's been happening a lot this year, especially through meaningful conversations with people I could have married at different junctures in life. Three of the six guys I dated long-term have approached me this year to clear up any hard feelings and/or express gratitude for the things we learned during our times together. I've realized before that it is a great blessing for things to have turned out the way they did in each relationship I've had, and was recently thinking of how happy I am for all my ex-boyfriends who are married (all are married except the very first guy and the most recent guy I've dated) and how well each one's wife complements them in a way that I either either didn't want to do or would not have been able to do. Sure, I could have made it work with them, but it makes me waaay more happy that each one is making it work with the woman they are with now. I don't think that conveys how really happy I am for these guys and their respective wives.

It's nice to feel that I have no unfinished business with these guys. It's interesting to think about what an 'alternate universe' could have brought if I'd followed down a different path. My mom was married at age 19, and growing up, I always intended to get married young also, but I'm VERY grateful for the knowledge and experience I have gained over the last 9 years as an unmarried woman. It has been a gift to learn and grow through relationships and changes in my life, and it will be a gift to learn and grow through a relationship with a much longer-term companion sometime in the future.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

U-Turns

There is a pattern I have found in my life, in which I go confidently in a direction I feel divinely led in, having received a confirmation that I am where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing...and then things change suddenly, that direction is not so right anymore, and a new, "turn right" direction seems to be given, followed by another, immediate "turn right again...Now, GO!" And I have essentially made a u-turn while following the Road Map of Life. I used to get incredibly frustrated at this, insisting "I'm trying my best to follow His will, and then he goes and all of a sudden changes His will for me?! Why did I do such&such only to have that plan not be completed?! That's so not cool! Couldn't He just tell me straight up, "this is where you're going next," and give me a shortcut once in a while?!" And so on, and so on, questioning my previous feelings of confidence in my actions and plans, questioning the accuracy of my interpretations of the changes of plan, and feeling bitter that I once again didn't know what my next destination was going to look like.

But I've gotten used to the fact that that is the way my Higher Power leads me in my life. The hymn "Lead Kindly Light" came to my mind repeatedly during my hike last week, trying to be careful not to step on loose rocks on the cliffs or twist my ankle in creekbed stones, I thought of these words frequently "Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see The distant scene; one step enough for me." All I could do was continually look forward to the next right step (or sometimes two or three) and take it, over and over and over again.

And so, Friday when I was getting ready to meet with the Field director at Anasazi, I thought again that I had not felt a settling sense of peace in my being a trailwalker over the three weeks I had spent in training and on the trail. That the program was amazing, yes; that it would be a challenging and rewarding job, YES; that I wanted to do my best to fill the shoes that were being offered me, yes! But that I felt a sense that this was for sure where I needed to be right now, no; I had felt iffy on the several times I'd prayed about it. So I prayed again. Same feeling.

I realized that the thought of working with children had come to me several times during the past few weeks, which I had repeatedly dismissed ('been there, done that already, I'm ready for, and doing, something new!'). But I went ahead and pondered & prayed about that as well, afterward feeling a peace & nudging that I should pursue that path. "Ok, so, let me get this straight, HF...you want me to let go of the job that I came out here for, that I'm almost guaranteed to have, that I'm already being PAID for...to pursue a line of work that I don't have any leads on? That's a leap of faith, for sure, but I'll take it if You want me to..." And the peace of that decision came. So I went to my meeting & told the Field Director that I love the program, was really looking forward to doing my best at the job, but felt led to do something else, and that I hope the timing will be right to work there sometime later. He said that I was welcome to reapply whenever I felt it would work, and that he hadn't been sure whether to hire me with a 4-month committment or to do another trial week, since they had not had any new patient admissions for the past two weeks, and were looking at the possibility of being overstaffed if this trend continues.

I feel good about this decision, although it's scary...I'm unemployed after working one month, after having been unemployed for a month before that...but I've gotten several leads from people I've talked to over the past few days, applied to a few places, made a few phone calls, and continued praying for guidance. We'll see how it all works out! Because it always DOES work out...some way or another! :D

Friday, September 18, 2009

Lessons from the Trail

Week two went more smoothly than the first week I spent as a TrailWalker! I've got the basic logistics of surviving out there in the wilderness down pretty well...I can make a shelter under which to sleep, talk the radio lingo with RidgeWalk, cook several recipes over open fire in my little stainless steel cup, drink 4-7 canteens of chlorine-dropped creek or pond water per day, and hike 20 miles of riverbed that alternates between cliffs and river-rock terrain over a period of 5 days! All while building relationships with the YoungWalkers and hanging around camp in our down time.

One of the guys saw a mountain lion several hundred yards from our camp one evening. That got everyone a little nervous, and as I was walking back to my shelter shortly after dusk to bring something back to the fire, I jumped about five feet in the air and gave a little shriek when someone sitting at his shelter just off the path said "Is that you, Eve?" Another of the guys said he woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a growl from across the creek & could smell "wet cat", but we all survived nonetheless!

The most salient lesson learned this week by yours truly? Look before you sit! While coming down from a mesa at a steep incline, one of my trainers yelled back to me and the other TW to recommend that we stop & check in with Ridge before we went too far down into the canyon to get good radio reception. Since I was carrying the radio on my pack, and was grateful for the opportunity to rest for a moment, I promptly stepped off the trail and sat down on the rock that was just behind my feet at that moment. And just as promptly stood back up! There was a cluster of small fishhook barrel cacti growing out of the crack of the rock, and I had planted the left side of my rear right into them...So instead of sitting, resting & checking in, I left my pack and the radio to the other trailwalker while I found a tree to hang out behind while I pulled cactus spines from my butt and the seat of my hiking pants for the next 10 minutes or so. I'm pretty sure that's a lesson I'll not have to learn again!

I'm making a spoon from a length of Juniper branch, which I'm eager to finish next week! I've been using the blade of my knife as my cooking/eating utensil this week, so a spoon will be a welcome addition to my supplies, for sure!

My hiking is still slow, and I was far in the back of the band most of the time while traveling, but I'm definitely making progress and getting stronger...slowly but surely!

I was with a great group of people this week, and had some really good talks with the YoungWalkers. This program is so full of true principles and good learning opportunties, and a good part the YoungWalkers this week were interested in improving themselves and leaving behind the things that had helped them 'backwards walk' at home. We had an overall great week! And the stars were pretty amazing to lay under this week, too!

Monday, September 7, 2009

The Weather is Here, Wish You were Beautiful!

I'm still alive...just thought I'd put that out there. And I made a successful move to Mesa, Arizona almost a month ago!

My dad helped me drive a 10' moving truck and my car out from Memphis, a trip we made in three days, and I met my brand-spankin' new step-family during a stop overnight at his place in Oklahoma.

My domestic project now is to fit a whole 1-bedroom apartment's worth of stuff in to...1 bedroom. I'm living with my cousin Ashley and her two little girls, ages 6 & 2, in a 3-bedroom condo, thanks to some very auspicious circumstances, and enjoying getting to know these fun, fun girls! Ashley & I hadn't really spent much time together in the past 12-15 years, so it's been good to get reacquainted, for sure!

Can I just say that I love, Love, LOVE the desert!? The dry air is so freakin' great after 5 years of such ridiculous humidity in the Mississippi River Delta of Memphis! It's true, 105 degrees in Phoenix feels like 90 degress + humidity in Memphis. I can totally handle this...as long as there's shade available once in a while! It's really being IN the sun that makes it HOT, but the air is definitely doable.

My new job at the Anasazi Foundation has been an adventure, as I hoped it would be! Last week I went out on the trail for 8 days of training after a week of in-office training. The first day we hiked 8 miles along creek bed. I thought I might die, but it's amazing what the human body is capable of! The first three days were tough, and I questioned a lot whether this living primatively, hiking, no showers/facilities, sleeping on the ground stuff what really something I wanted to do every other week for the next several months of my life. I could make a difference with PEOPLE in other ways, right?! But after some really good experiences during the second half of my week, and after getting the hang of all the survival logistics, I'm pumped about it! I'm doing a second trial week starting Wednesday, just to make sure I really want to commit, but I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a great experience! I really enjoyed getting to know the YoungWalkers I worked with, although we had some struggles at first. The principles are true, and the way the program embodies them is a great method!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Happy Medium?

In my interactions with the male gender, I feel like I fluctuate between coming across as a stalker girl and standoffish B****. Where's the "middle"...and what does that look like?!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Reminiscence

I have a two-shelf bookcase that, for the past few years, has housed my journals and some of my old school papers. It has been tucked into a corner behind a recliner for the past year in my current apartment. I don't get into it very often, cause I can spend hours and hours going through stuff. Tonight I packed up the contents of the bookcase, and wouldn't let myself crack open any of the journals, but in the process of trying to sort out junk from the good stuff, I've gone through much of the other items, and been amused by much of it and spent most of the evening waxing nostalgic :)

I found 4 "peer evaluation" sticky notes in an old folder from either Mrs. Baker's English class or Ms. Bagwell's Speech class at Wilburton High that read:

*Good - Good job of using your own ideas!
*Bad - a little long.

*Good - Nothing. Just kiddin'. very descriptive.
*Bad - Mispronounced picture, talk louder. Jumbled. It wasn't a rabid dog. He was a beagle. Quit copying off of me. Too many reasons. Dill was dumb. How can you like him? Too L O N G.

The last set made me grin. I and four guys in my class had four classes together that year (we made up the AP/Honors group of our tiny senior class), and the guys loved to pick on me. Later, I found my little photo album of senior pictures with name cards, and Jonathan, the same guy who wrote the second set of critiques, wrote on the back of his:

"Eve, Hello Little One. I'm sorry I picked on you so much. It was just because I like you. I hope you succeed in OU, and have a great life. Try to marry into money. You will be a great wife. I'll miss you."

I looked for him on Facebook and Myspace, but to no avail.

I think memories like this are what make me like Facebook so much! I love re-connecting with people who have shared my life in some way in the past, and being remembered of the little experiences we shared that make life such a personalized experience.

I have another sticky note that Matt wrote during an Academic team trip. It says "Eve likes guys". So random. But it makes me laugh every time I see it.

I also found a tourist book about Chicago that I bought when I went there for an FBLA trip my junior year. I fell in love with the "Corn cob" towers and bought the book just so I could show my family where I was going to live some day.

As difficult as life has been over the last several years, I absolutely love breaking out my old stuff from high school and the first few years of college & finding sweet notes, or mean notes written with a facetious tone, or the crepe paper jewelry that Greg decorated me with in his cute, awkward efforts to cheer me up the day my grandfather passed away.

I found a piece of paper that several girls at the Institute in Norman wrote to me when I returned after a semester at home, with sweet notes and expressions of friendly encouragement.

I found a set of "love notes" from the Memphis Relief Society spanning about a year when we sent around pieces of blank paper for sisters to write compliments and thoughts about one another during classes.

I know I have loved and been loved by many, and I have been blessed to have good people cross my path in every place I have been in. Evenings like this are good for the soul. :D

Saturday, July 25, 2009

The Pursuit of Happiness

Here's what I've realized lately: Happiness is kind of the opposite of money in the way that it functions in our lives. Money is given, received, exchanged, and stolen between two or more parties. If one person generates money on their own, it's not legitimate; a counterfeit. Happiness, on the other hand, is best cultivated and grown in a personal garden. If the main source of happiness for a person is other people who give or take it from that person, THAT is a counterfeit happiness.

Lately I've been pretty taken aback when I see people who post their status as being "SO incredibly happy!!!!!" in the first stages of a relationship. NOW WAIT! Don't get me wrong! This is not a 'stupid lovebirds gross me out' jealousy post! I love being in a relationship just as much as the next person. I like watching new relationships develop in the people around me. And I understand the giddiness, the excitement, and the funness of a new relationship. But I also have come to understand that as fun and exciting, and great as all that is, neither a relationship, nor another person can "MAKE" me happy! That all depends on how I develop my own relationship with myself, and what I consistently rely on for reassurance when I doubt myself. Happiness is a choice, and if I give the rights of that choice to someone else, I'm betraying my own self. I've learned to appreciate the various things that I can find happiness in, and that I can CHOOSE (and not a gritmyteethimgonnabehappytoday,goshdarnit! kind of choice, either) to find happiness in people and events in my life, regardless of other things going on. I can also CHOOSE to have a grumpy day, regardless of other things and people. It's all about agency and what I want my focus to be.

I think our society has confused the way happiness works with the way the economy works, and has consequently come to believe that in order to really be happy, we have to have to rely on other people to 'stimulate' happiness in our lives!

(btw, I'm so tired of hearing the word "stimulus" in every other commercial, but that's a topic for another day!)


That being said, I'm SO incredibly happy!!!!!


EDIT: I think what takes me aback so much is the responses to such statuses...other people's assumptions that if someone is SO HAPPY! it's because of some outside source. THAT's what bothers me. I do it myself. I try to figure out what/who is going on in someone's life that would make them SO HAPPY!...And so I'm doing my own little social experiment to see if that's just my OWN sick thinking that I'm starting to see from a more objective view point, or if other people around me are also guilty of this mindset! :)

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Gravity

Watch this

and this!

Love it, Love it, Love it!

So You Think You Can Dance is my new favorite tv show. I've decided I'm a "social watcher"...like some people can be 'social drinkers'. I only really watch tv when someone convinces me that I'll REALLY love it, and so I usually start a show after it's been running for 3 or 4 seasons...5 in this case! My first favorite was from one of the first weeks, set to "Falling Slowly by The Frames, and is about two strangers meeting falling in love. Last night one of the dances was my very favorite so far, and I had to share it (the second link)! The song is "Gravity" by Sara Barrielles, and is, according to the choreographer, "about addiction".

I'm officially hooked to SYTYCD :)

(video of the dances tends to be taken down pretty quickly, but hopefully this will stick around for a while.)

Friday, July 3, 2009

Pushing Pause

My friend Maunderer wrote a post the other day that got me thinking. I've been MIA in the blogging world for a while...I feel like I haven't had much to say lately, in person or on here, but this was a place to start writing again. He was talking about suicide, which reminded me of something I hadn't thought about in a while. About 6 years ago, I started thinking frequently about being in a bad car accident. Not so bad that it would kill me, but bad enough to put me in the hospital for a while...Maybe even a coma. There were several months there where I thought about this every day, frequently multiple times a day. It seemed to be a solution to a lot of things that were going on with me and in my life at that point. I didn't want to die, but it would sure be nice to hit the Pause button on my life for a bit.

Many things that I needed to change seemed to have a solution in this scenario. I needed people to reassure me of my importance to them. I needed to get out of the job I was in because it was depressing me. I was in an abusive relationship that I couldn't stay out of, and had tried many other ways to stop the madness there but hadn't found a solution that lasted more than a few days. My family was falling to pieces as well, with all the dysfunction we'd kept bundled up tight starting to oooze out & stink, and I didn't want to deal with all that lay under that set of problems either. And in general, I was just worn down to the point of exhaustion. So a few weeks' stint in the hospital seemed a great solution! People would get their perspectives straight, I'd know who really cared about me, and I'd be released from the responsibilities that I felt were pressing down on me...win, win, win, right? I knew it wasn't healthy thinking, but my rationale was "At least I'm not suicidal".

I told people around me, too, thinking that that was the 'good' thing to do, but never let on how frequently or seriously I thought about it. And as much as I wanted to be involved in a car crash, I couldn't bring myself to initiate it, for fear I'd not be hurt enough, or that I'd end up killing myself. I wanted God to orchestrate it for me so I'd be out of commission for a bit but not be liable for it, and started almost asking for that.

A few months went by like this, and I gradually made some progress around my issues with a fresh-out-of-grad-school LDS Family Services therapist. A couple of months of no contact with my 'boyfriend' had me feeling pretty strong, and then I caved in at one of his attempts to talk & spiraled back to where we'd been in a matter of days.

And that's when I decided I'd had enough & something really, REALLY had to change...so I moved to Memphis. It's been a tough five years here, but I think I really got a pause on some things that helped make a difference in my life. I found a great therapist who knows his stuff, and who wasn't afraid to challenge me on my issues & was able to give me the tools I needed to deal with them effectively. I spent 10 weeks at a treatment center where I began picking up the pieces of my Self, whom I had lost to codependency, and I started to regain my self-esteem. I found EDA and SLAA, 12-step programs that supported my recovery around my eating disorder and my relationship issues. As a result of all this I came to understand the Atonement of Christ in a way that being raised in the LDS church for two decades had never been able to communicate to me. And I was incredibly blessed to have a mother who pioneered the way and took great strides to look at the dysfunction she contributed to our family, improve herself, and work her own recovery process.

I've had a good life here in Memphis, but I'm ready to move forward. I've had relationships that were healthier than the ones before, both romantic and otherwise; I've felt the pain of having to say goodbye because I know I deserve to be treated better; and I've been told goodbye by others. It has definitely been a learning process these past 5 years, with, as Alma the Younger said, "exquisite pain" as well as "exquisite joy". I learned here in Memphis that I can get through whatever life throws at me, and I don't have to medicate myself through food or people (or the lack thereof), or by any other means, to be able to experience the lows and highs of life.

And I'm ready for a new change. My moving date to Phoenix will be exactly 5 years from when I arrived in Memphis. I'm ready to carry my recovery into my experiences of a new place and new people. I'll hopefully be working at a wilderness therapy program for troubled teens, and am eager to give back and help those who are travelling along a path similar to the one I've been on. I'm not finished improving, but I am definitely living a more whole, choiceful, overall peace-filled life than my 22-year-old self knew how to do when I left Norman, Ok on August 13, 2004. In some ways, Memphis WAS my "Pause" button that I prayed so hard for in Norman, and now I'm ready to hit "Play" in the HD version of my life!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Milestones

I graduated with my B.A. in Spanish two weeks ago! It's a great feeling to know I don't have tuition, exams, or 15-minute cross-campus speed walks between classes for a while (or for EVER if I decide not to go to grad school after taking a year off)!
My whole family came for the weekend, with the exception of Austin & his wife, and Katie & her fiance. It was great to see everyone and spend time together!

After everyone had left, I got a call on Wednesday morning, May 13th, from Courtney with the news that Becky had passed away about an hour earlier. She had finished all the treatment that her doctors had for her back in August, and had been hanging in there for the last several months, though the cancer was continuing to take over her body and make things increasingly more painful for her.

I was able to drive out to Oklahoma on Friday & spent the weekend with Courtney. On Saturday, Courtney graduated from OU with her Bachelor's in Psychology, and I was really happy to be able to be there for that. Monday was Becky's funeral. It was a beautiful service, most of which Becky had planned herself beforehand. Her family put several sweet touches in it, too, and the whole event really honored the beautiful, loving, and dynamic person that Becky was to all of us in this life. It was a tough day for Courtney and me, saying goodbye to such a dear friend and former roommate. During the times that we all three lived in Norman, we spent a large portion of our time together, and Courtney & I each had our own unique individual friendships with Becky, as well. I'm grateful to have been able to spend four days with Courtney, and to mourn the loss of our close mutual friend together. We spent a good part of the weekend sharing little stories and memories of Becky as they came to our minds, and it would have been very difficult to not have had the support of each other and mutual love for Becky that we share.

It was really meaningful to me that we each had a milestone that week; though Becky's "graduation" from this mortal life on Wednesday looked different from Courtney's & my graduating from universities on the Saturdays immediately before and after her death, we each completed a phase of our lives and are continuing in our individual journeys...each accompanied and supported, in my opinion, by the other two friends.

During one of the last real conversations that Becky & I had on the phone, we talked about our friendship, and emphasized to each other that although it was likely we would not be spending the next 50 or so years seeing one another and talking on the phone in this life, that after we had both made it to the other side, we would most definitely still have a very strong friendship, and made plans to "live in the same neighborhood", however that turns out to be in the next life! I am so grateful to have had Becky Marie in my life for the past seven years! She taught me some things that I don't think I would have been able to learn in any other way during our friendship, especially during the two years that we lived together, as well as the past 18 months of this battle with cancer that she fought so valiantly. I am so honored that she shared a small portion of her experience by asking me to shave my head in support of her. The lessons I learned about Christ's atonement as a result of that experience will be invaluable in my journey here on this earth, and her example of faith during all of her trials that I witnessed, not just cancer, will continue to point the way back to Christ and our Heavenly Father during my life!



I wrote several posts about my experiences shortly after Becky's diagnosis, but a few of them I had never published on this blog. I have posted them in their original dates and labeled each one under the tag "Becky". It is really important to me to preserve the memories that I have of this precious friend and amazing woman. If you have any memories to share of her, I would love to hear/read them!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Summertime = Reading...right??

I'm not ready to write about what's really been going on in my life and the lives of those around me...so I'm "checking out" of reality with one of my favorite subjects. Books!

It really bothers me that my virtual bookshelf over there on the right side of my blog has had the same books on it for months and months now. They're all large and/or dense (subject matter-wise) books, and I have been inching my way through them...though it doesn't help that I don't read any of them with any kind of regularity lately. When I took Evan to the airport last week after my graduation weekend, one of my friends rode up and back with me, and introduced me to McKay Used Books in Nashville! Picture this: An old K*Mart-sized building with aisles and aisles and AISLES of used books...It was heavenly! I bought 4 books for $20. And one was a photoessay book that retails for $40. I got it for 8. Woot! But it doesn't help in the accomplishment of my goal to finish the books I've started by the end of this year. One of the books I bought was Eat Pray Love. I'm about 3/5 of the way through, and let me just say that it is one of the most enjoyable reads I've had in a while! I love stories of imperfect people searching for self-discovery and improvement, and what that process looks like. I read it non-stop last week til I left for Oklahoma on Friday, and haven't had a chance to read more than about a page since. But I am anticipating it like a bullfrog watching a fly :)

I also ordered a few books recommended by the Anasazi Foundation for prospective Trailwalkers to read in preparation for the program. Bonds that Make Us Free, The Anatomy of Peace, and Leadership & Self-Deception (whch I listened to on audiobook a while ago, but went ahead & bought the hardcopy). I started Bonds That Make us Free the week of finals, so now I'm 'reading' six books, counting this, Eat Pray Love, and the four on my virtual bookshelf. But not reading any of them.

AND...Mike just loaned me the latest Fablehaven book, which I've been eagerly awaiting for several months! My sister let me take it the night of my graduation while they were here to try to read it into the night and finish it before they left the next morning...that didn't turn out to be such a good plan! I kept falling asleep and waking back up after such a busy day, and when I finally gave up and turned out my light around 1:15, I'd made it all of 11 pages into the book!

So many words, so little time...

Monday, May 4, 2009

It has Begun

I made a photoblog! And it is base, corrupt, depraved, vile, wicked and wrong. Despite my hesitations, I finally went with Eve Illuminates. I had to...I liked it too much!

I already have a follower, AND she left a comment! woot!

So, go and partake, "for ye shall surely not die." ;-P

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

3/5

I just finished my Arab-Israeli Conflict final! Yesterday I gave my final presentation in my Gender and Language class, and a few weeks ago my Scuba class ended. Which means I have an Arabic language final Friday morning, and a Spanish Grammar final next Thursday, and then I'm FINISHED!!! (...still haven't sent out my graduation announcements...)

I think I kicked butt on my A/I Conflict exam. Not a huge butt, but probably medium- to large-sized. And considering that last December, I really probably couldn't have pointed out to you on a map where exactly the Gaza Strip is, I'm pretty dang happy with what I accomplished in that class this semester!

I'm pretty sure that my Arabic final is going to kick MY butt, though, so I'll be spending the next 40 hours bracing myself for that! It's been fun, but I really don't know what possessed me to try to learn this language! Actually...learning it hasn't been too bad, and I can hold my own in class really well; it's just the testing part that I have such a hard time with! ;)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I need a name!



It's here! It's here! It's here!!!


I got my new camera in the mail today, along with some fun accessories! I'm super excited about it, and played with it this evening instead of putting the finishing touches on a presentation I have to give next week. It felt like Christmas, with all the packaging strewn on my dining area floor, and manuals to read, and batteries charging...Did I mention that I'm freakin' excited?!

Anyway, so I think I'll have a photo blog right from the start and document my progress and discoveries and such. Ya know, for posterity's sake & stuff.

This is what I want help with - a name for my blog! I like the name + verb thing I've got going for this one (everuminates)...and I tried to carry it over with a dream blog that I started a while ago (evephantasmagorizes). But I stopped having vivid dreams right about then, so it never really got going.


I like the "-ates" verbs. I should probably know what the technical term is for that, but I don't. Here's what I have come up with:



Please tell me what you think, in the poll, and leave a comment if you've got any other ideas of verbs that relate to photography, i.e. drawing with light!!



Thursday, April 16, 2009

Alli's Pirates

Ben & Alli Mikell - Sept 07

(This is the oldest photo of Alli I have on my computer)




It's been a LONG while since I blogged about Alli. She moved to Utah at the beginning of the year. I helped her pack, and Evan helped her drive out there. Her family gave me candy and treats. We found some silly putty while cleaning up her room. She "accidentally" ran into/over Evan as a way to surprize Ben when Evan came into town.

I missed her birthday two weeks ago. I'm pretty sure her party was amazing.

But here, now, is a masterpiece created by the one and only, Alli Marie. If I could put videos on my refrigerator (like parents do with childrens' artwork), this would totally be on it!

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/video/video.php?v=96090985925&oid=25161088129

Friday, April 10, 2009

Happy Easter!!!

"Who is He in Yonder Stall" is usually a Christmas song, but I see no reason why it can't also be an Easter song. It definitely put me in the right spirit this afternoon. I especially love the second verse,

Who is He who stands and weeps
At the grave where Lazarus sleeps?
'Tis the Lord, O Wonderous story,
Tis the Lord, O King of Glory.
At His feet we humbly fall,
Crown him, crown him, Lord of all.

This image is what makes the atonement of Christ real to me. The image of a friend and older brother grieving and expressing his love for someone He has lost. This image leads me to remember the rest of the story, that He gave life to Lazarus again, and that through his actions during, before, and after his mortal life, Christ made it possible for every person who has been born to be resurrected, to have the opportunity to live and associate with Him and our Heavenly Father.

I'm grateful this Easter weekend for the sacrifice that He made, and the possibilities that it opens up for me and the whole human race!



I couldn't find a plain mp3 that I could post of this version, so the video's the best i could come up with - the song is more meaningful to me when just listening, rather than watching the pictures!

How do you make up for something like this?

Next week I'll be ordering a whole photography setup - New digital camera, flash, battery grip, & other toys! B&H Photo is observing Passover this week, and as a result they don't take orders over the weekend, nor will they ship til next Wednesday. SO, I've been on a photography site-surfing kick again this week. I can't WAIT to get everything and start playing around & improving my skillz!

In the meantime, I came across this little gem & just had to share!




What a nightmare!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Six, Seven, Eight, Triple Nine, Eight, Two, One, Two



Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

(Pause my top playlist and hit PLAY on this one to hear the song!)

I heard this song for the first time about 6 weeks ago, and it makes me laugh a LOT when it comes on the radio. Which is a pity, because it's a squeaky-clean rap song as far as lyrics go...but still..."Kiss me through the phone"? Not the most eloquent lyrics ever written :)

At first I turned my nose up at it, for its unpoetic rhymes, but the more I heard it, the more it began to amuse me, and kinda grew on me. Then it came on one Saturday afternoon when I was hanging around my apartment, paying bills and being generally bored. I realized that the phone number is not in the "555-XXXX" format, which phone numbers in songs and movies are usually in. That caught my attention, and so, feeling a bit mischevious, I decided to call the number. I thought "This is so 1980's, but I'm gonna do it anyway" (I confess, I called 867-5309 when I was 11 or so, to see if anyone would pick up - It was an answering machine saying something like "Jenny's not here right now, so leave a message").

So I wrote down the number & punched it into my cell phone, which told me it was a Georgia area code. I hit Send, it rang a few times, and then a male, african-american-sounding voice answered & said "Hello?" I immediately hung up & felt juvenile and sheepish for actually calling, and hoped he wouldn't call me back & chew me out or something.

Then minute or so later, I get a text welcoming me to Soulja Boy Tell 'Em's text service, with an offer to get the ringtone on my phone! So, it wasn't some random person I called. So, I was expected to call the number. So, THIS is what technology has brought us to - a more complex marketing network than ever! One can buy a number, or a website, put it in a song, and get fans that much more involved in the marketing of one's music! I got about 5 more texts over the next two weeks, and then replied "stop" to unsubscribe myself. But if I had wanted to, I could call any time I wanted to, to hear Soulja Boy's messages to his fans, updates on what he's doing, fan messages TO Soulja Boy, and get ringtones (for just $9.99/month!) and other merch.

For now, I just listen to the song and it makes me smile. :)

♫♫♪da da da da da da da.....da da da da da da da....kiss me through the phone....da da da da da da....♪♫♪

Monday, April 6, 2009

I got tagged

My friend Maunderer tagged me a while ago, & I forgot about it till I was catching up on my blogs tonight!


Here goes:


Six names you go by:
1. Evie (my family)
2. Evelyn (most of my friends)
3. GPEve (the guys from MSU)
4. Evie Baby (Jim)
5. Evalicious (Ben)
6. Miss Eve ("my" babies from In A Pinch)

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Contact lenses
2. three shirts
3. earbuds

Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. A better grasp on the Arabic language!
2. A clue about what I'm gonna be doing after graduation!
3. The ability to teleport :)


Three People who I hope will fill this out:
1. Valorie
2. Sandra
3. Katie

Two things you did last night:
1. Cleaned my apartment
2. Ordered Bonds that Make us Free from Amazon!

Two things I ate today:
1. A cheeesy pizza with four different kinds of mushrooms from Old Venice Pizza Co. it was suuper rich, and delish!
2. Cadbury Dark Chocolate

Two people you last talked to on the phone:
1. My Scuba buddy, Derek
2. My landlord

Two things you are going to do tomorrow:
1. Talk to my therapist
2. study for an Arabic test

Your favorite beverages:
1. Whole Milk
2. Diet Coke with a few dashes of Margarita mix (just the mix, not the alcohol!)...it's become a sunday night tradition :)
3. Water

Monday, March 16, 2009

It Ain't Spring Break Unless...

...You do a little home improvement!

I FINALLY painted my bedroom, after contemplating it for 6 months! The color is a lot darker than I had intended, but I've decided that I'm very pleased with the outcome. And, I bought the paint pre-mixed for half off! It was in the 'mistint' section at Walmart, which they sell for cheap :) Overall, the painting cost me about $30, with tape, brushes, etc. Combined with a set of vinyl letters and a set of square shelves both at 66% off, a new cubical dresser, and the curtains, I got a new room for just over $100 bucks!

My friend Amanda loaned me her rag roller. I am definitely not an accomplished painter, but am trying to let go of the perfectionist in me and embrace the "perfect imperfections" :D. The lettering says "You Are Definitely Worth It!", which was Brandi's & my mantra when we were roommates. :)

Before...

shortly after I moved in.



...After!

And this is as of tonight!

I haven't quite figured out what to do with the shelves, but I couldn't pass them up when I saw 'em!

Friday, February 27, 2009

I'm a PC


...someone needs to proofread their signs, vertically and horizontally!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Everything I know about tennis...

...I learned from Wii Sports!

Ok, so...I went to a tennis tournament on Tuesday! Q107.5 was at Tan-N-Go that morning, giving away free tickets to the Regions Morgan Keegan tournament, and I just happened to be in the neighborhood, so I got some! Mike really likes tennis, so I invited him to go with me.

Did you know that it is unacceptable to make any noise while the ball is in play? I didn't, til I got there. They made us wait outside the stadium until a match was finished, and as we were walking under the bleachers to our seat, play resumed...so we had to wait below for about 10 minutes til the game ended and the ushers opened the stairs to the bleachers again. Before a ball was served, you could probably literally hear a pin drop. I kept whispering & Mike had to remind me that we were supposed to be quiet. The only live games I've been to are college football, college basketball, and the River Kings hockey...I mean, seriously! There are some things they just don't tell you on the Wii... ;)

We had passed a room full of caterers from local restaurants selling various hors d'oeuvres our way in, and as we were watching the game, Mike decided the only thing we were missing was strawberries & creme...or maybe a ProntoPup.

I got some sweet video on my phone, but aparently the free version of Quicktime, that came on my computer, doesn't have a rotate function for video, so I'm still working on getting them presentable for online display :)
Apparently "The Q"s audience isn't crawling with tennis lovers...we were the only people in our section of the bleachers! We watched Marcos Baghdatis (ranked 85 in the world) from Cypress and Kei Nishikori (56) from Japan play most of a round, and then Victoria Azarenka (15) and Stephanie Cohen-Aloro (93) played one game before it was time for us to leave.


The guys were serving 115-130 mph balls, and the women's were mostly in the 90's, but I saw one that was 120-something. And Azarenka has a funny little yell that she does every time she hits a ball that sounds like a bird cooing. :)

Unfortunately it was time to get back to class and work after about an hour, so we didn't get to stick around for more than one women's game. It really was a cool experience and I was sorry to have to leave. We took a different door out than we had when entering, and it led to a little courtyard/alley space, and lo and behold, there before our very eyes, tucked away from the view of the elite crowd, was a corndog stand!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Is your food happy to see you?


My Grasshoppers had faces :)
Posted by Picasa

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Street Gang

This year marks the 40th anniversary of "Sesame Street." To celebrate, Bob talks with MICHAEL DAVIS, author of a new book titled "Street Gang: The Complete History of Sesame Street." Davis conducted more than 200 interviews over five years to tell the story of the beloved children's television show.

I heard this interview a few weeks ago on the Bob Edwards Weekend show while driving across town. I found myself...not quite on the verge, but close, to a tear or two of nostalgia while listening to a history of Sesame Street, which really surprized me. I liked Sesame Street as a child, though didn't watch it devotedly. But it was something like finding old friends I hadn't been in touch with in years and years, who just popped out & brought some happy memories with them (cheesy, I know...).

Just thought I'd share the podcast!

My all-time favorite characters were the Yup-Yups, along with Snuffy and, of course, Bert & Ernie :)

Enjoy!

Monday, February 9, 2009

A little magic

Something nearly ineffable happens to me when I step outside on a random morning and the temperature is 57 degrees at 7:45 a.m., sun shining, a nice breeze blowing, and (bonus!) I'm going to be on time for class! Two or three times a year I have this experience of an absolutely perfect morning, and I think this is truely one of the things I live for. It is the best feeling in the world to walk out to this kind of weather, and something in my body changes at the cellular level. I was ridiculously happy today, and it wasn't because of something someone did, or something I bought, or something that might happen. It was what was. It was me living in the moment and feeling truely alive.

I hope everyone gets moments/days like this in their lives. It's what helps me remember how amazing this world is and how fortunate i am to live in it!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Loved it



If you haven't seen this, go rent it. Soooo good :)

Saturday, January 31, 2009

I think there's a boy in my brain

This semester I'm taking a linguistics class entitled "Language and Gender". We're exploring gender stereotypes, assumptions, and expectations (and/or lack thereof) as manifested through language. It's a pretty interesting, engaging topic for me, and lately I've noticed three very interesting things about myself as a result. One is explicitly linguistic, the other two are more personality/mindset-based, two are things I know about myself already, but have been struck by recently, and one is really kind of surprising.


I'll start with the personality-based, already-known point first. I get crushes on girls. I don't want romantic or sexual relationships with girls, although I appreciate the female form. These crushes are more of the kind in which I think someone is just SO cool, or pretty, or interesting. I admire girls, and want to be like them. I have a crush on Amy Adams (the purse girl from Season One of The Office, the princess from Enchanted), and a local radio dj personality, and other people around me. I got a bit of a crush on Marilyn Monroe last week, which I kind of wrote about a few posts ago. I want to be these women. There's something I admire/find striking/want to understand better about these people, and it comes out as an expression of adoration and interest. I don't get crushes on boys in quite the same way (though I'll save that thought for a later post), and I think that this is interesting to observe. Even about with male movie stars, I just don't get as enthusiastic about them, or notice as many of them, as I do with their female counterparts.


Number dos: the linguistic-based, already-known point. I've found lately that I talk and think more within the male stereotype lately than within the female stereotype. Maybe not more, but in ways that are surprising to me. The 'Difference Theory' that Deborah Tannen preaches says, essentially, that boys and girls grow up in different 'sub-cultures'. Different worlds from which they learn to relate to one another. Girls look straight at each other when talking, boys seldom make eye contact with one another; boys view life as being one-up or one-down on everyone they come into contact with, while girls want to be equal and emphasis sameness; etc, etc. Several aspects of this have struck me as the opposite for me in the way I communicate lately. ***** My best solution for this is that i've spent the better part of my adult life learning about communication and trying to improve the way I communicate with others, especially with men, and especially with my male significant others. So maybe I've picked up these manners of talking as a way to improve the way I related to men? The funny thing is that I can see where the roles have actually reversed in some relationships, so that I've communicated in the "masculine" way at times, while my partner used "feminine" tactics in communicating with me! *****


But the third point that I'm writing about is the most surprising and most recent one for me. Tonight I watched Quantum of Solace, and SOOOO enjoyed it. I've seen James Bond movies before. They were ok. I can't really recall much about them except the Ice Palace in one of them that was pretty cool, and that Halle Berry was a Bond girl, I think in the same movie. And I get a few of the spoofs from Austin Powers, but I couldn't tell you who was being spoofed or from which movie. But, Man! I loved QoS tonight! All the chase scenes and destruction of rooms and leaping off of roofs and fighting and intrigue...it was great! I want to tear apart some room and break glass and not have to worry about fixing or replacing everything. That would be fun! I could understand what it would be to fantasize about the chase scene where I outsmarted the 10 cars chasing me and walked away from my car unscathed. That would be awesome. And this is what has thrown me off the most tonight. I'm not a violence/action/blood kind of movie fan. I watch action movies, and usually enjoy them. But I don't usually wish I were in them! Tonight I wanted to be James Bond in all his masculine glory!


somehow, a boy has gotten into my brain...

Monday, January 26, 2009

Adoption and Abortion

There is so much I want to say about this, but I can't seem to find the words. Every time I hear her story, feelings of peace, truth, and love wash through me. I'm happy to be able to share Tamra's story with you, and ask you to share it with others, especially in light of the recent executive order regarding abortion. Understanding all the options gives a woman the power to make the best choice for herself and her child.

This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country. ~ Clint Eastwood

I have watched and returned four Netflix movies in the past two weeks. Sometimes I don't watch a movie for a month! Some of that has to do with the fact that a large part of my recent social life is now on a month-long, self-imposed prohibition (30-days no-contact with Mike to make a clean break), and I've been too lazy/solitary/scared of rejection to call people up and ask if I can play with them! And some of it has to do with the fact that school is now in session, and there's always something more interesting to do than homework!

I watched An American Tale last night...in Spanish. I love to watch movies by myself with spanish spoken language in addition to spanish subtitles. It's fun to see the differences between translations of the dubbing and the subtitles...and if I have seen the movie previously and remember even the gist of the English script, if the subtitles (is there a synonym for that word? it's getting tedious to repeat it so many times!) and dubs are different enough, it's like watching one scene with three slightly different interpretations! So that was fun. I hadn't seen it in probably 15+ years.

Before that I watched Some Like it Hot, and I just want to say that Marilyn Monroe is so sexy! I know that was old news about 50 years ago, but I'd never seen any of her movies before. It was fun...transvestism, mobs, romance, what more could you want in a movie? I was tempted to watch it again the next day because I enjoyed it so much, but I was a good little student & read an article about Arab/Israeli conflict instead.

I stayed up til about 1:30 watching Mamma Mia one night last week, and I wasn't all that impressed. Merryl Streep was not at her best in this one, and I kept waiting for it to get better, but it never quite got there. And her two sidekick friends kind of annoyed me...maybe it's better live?

And before that was some top-notch detective work by Jimmy Stewart & Grace Kelly in Rear Window. The 2-minute massages by the home-health nurse cracked me up, but I loved Grace's dresses...apparently they just don't make Hollywood actresses like they used to. :)

And now it's time to go read some more for classes!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

what is love?

(NOT a night at the Roxbury ;-) )

There are few songs that I don't get sick of hearing over and over and over again when they become popular on the radio. This is one of them.



"The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson has been a top favorite of mine for well over a year. Sometimes I log in to my own blog when I'm at work, just to hear it on my project playlist, along with some others on the player that I can't seem to get enough of. Evan had a problem with the lyrics & wrote about it last January. But my take is completely different from his. I think this song epitomizes for me the balance between love and codependence. It can go either way, depending on the mindset of the individual listener, but when listened to from a healthy perspective, it's a picture of two imperfect people accepting one another's flaws and being willing to support one another in moving forward, within real life.

My philosophy on love (romantic love, specifically, but not solely) has evolved a lot over the past few years into a surprizingly manageable set of paradoxes. My expectations became less, yet more at the same time; My need to control seems to be under control; some of the things I NEED seemed not to be so necessary, more flexible, and yet I've found more fulfillment than ever in my most recent relationship.

Michael & I spent 10 months, more or less, exploring what a healthy, vulnerable, fun relationship could really look like. We didn't do it perfectly, of course, and weren't always healthy, vulnerable, or fun, but for the majority of the time we were dating, there was a level of intimacy and support that I'd never experienced before. And it was so refreshing!

We entered the relationship with the understanding that we had about a 90% chance of it not culminating in marriage, and that wasn't the emphasis. The focus was the here and now, being present in a relationship without the need for it to last forever and ever and ever (which is how my mind always seemed to work before). So we knew it would end at some point and had considered & evaluated that eventuality a few times in the past months, and this week it became reality. Saturday I got an answer that I wasn't even looking for from my Higher Power, that it was time to end the relationship. Overall, it's been a (mostly) peace-filled process so far.

We spent yesterday afternoon together, according to plans we'd made before the break-up, and at lunch he asked "Do we have a song?" We'd never discussed having a song that was "our song" & I couldn't think of anything. He asked, "Is there a song that makes you think of me?" Being a music lover, and having the need to find a way to make anything I hear somehow relate to my life, an accurate answer would probably have been "pretty much all songs," but the one that came to mind is Jason Mraz's latest "I'm Yours," because he likes it so much. He thought about it & then we got distracted with some other topic. A few minutes later he said "I know! it's 'Just The Way You Are'." I sputtered some of my drink & asked "Billy Joel?!" "No! the Rogaine song" he said, "You told me a while ago that you like me the way I am, and every time I hear that song I think of you."

And it occured to me that I had come full circle this year and that this relationship had embodied exactly what I like about Ingrid's lyrics. Perfectly imperfect people with a whole lotta mutual respect and esteem.

That's what love is to me.

Friday, January 2, 2009

2009 - Finishing What I Started

I've decided that this coming year is the year to complete all my unfinished projects, such as:

  • My Bachelors Degree! (target date May 9)
  • Reading all the books I haven't yet gotten to the end of:

1. The Infinite Atonement by Tad R. Callister (293 pages to go)
2. The Last Lion, Vol 1: Visions of Glory, A biography of Winston Churchill (400 pages left)
3. The Collected letters of C.S. Lewis 1905-1931 (890 pages to go)
4. When God becomes A Drug by Father Leo Booth (150 more pages)

  • An embroidery project that I started Thanksgiving '03 and haven't picked up since.
  • A quilt I started for my 6-1/2 year-old brother while he was in the womb.
  • Memphis.
  • Therapy.
  • Maybe, If I'm REALLY good, I'll be able to pay off my car loan.
  • And maybe, just maybe, I'll get my photography career off and running!