U-Turns

There is a pattern I have found in my life, in which I go confidently in a direction I feel divinely led in, having received a confirmation that I am where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing...and then things change suddenly, that direction is not so right anymore, and a new, "turn right" direction seems to be given, followed by another, immediate "turn right again...Now, GO!" And I have essentially made a u-turn while following the Road Map of Life. I used to get incredibly frustrated at this, insisting "I'm trying my best to follow His will, and then he goes and all of a sudden changes His will for me?! Why did I do such&such only to have that plan not be completed?! That's so not cool! Couldn't He just tell me straight up, "this is where you're going next," and give me a shortcut once in a while?!" And so on, and so on, questioning my previous feelings of confidence in my actions and plans, questioning the accuracy of my interpretations of the changes of plan, and feeling bitter that I once again didn't know what my next destination was going to look like.

But I've gotten used to the fact that that is the way my Higher Power leads me in my life. The hymn "Lead Kindly Light" came to my mind repeatedly during my hike last week, trying to be careful not to step on loose rocks on the cliffs or twist my ankle in creekbed stones, I thought of these words frequently "Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see The distant scene; one step enough for me." All I could do was continually look forward to the next right step (or sometimes two or three) and take it, over and over and over again.

And so, Friday when I was getting ready to meet with the Field director at Anasazi, I thought again that I had not felt a settling sense of peace in my being a trailwalker over the three weeks I had spent in training and on the trail. That the program was amazing, yes; that it would be a challenging and rewarding job, YES; that I wanted to do my best to fill the shoes that were being offered me, yes! But that I felt a sense that this was for sure where I needed to be right now, no; I had felt iffy on the several times I'd prayed about it. So I prayed again. Same feeling.

I realized that the thought of working with children had come to me several times during the past few weeks, which I had repeatedly dismissed ('been there, done that already, I'm ready for, and doing, something new!'). But I went ahead and pondered & prayed about that as well, afterward feeling a peace & nudging that I should pursue that path. "Ok, so, let me get this straight, HF...you want me to let go of the job that I came out here for, that I'm almost guaranteed to have, that I'm already being PAID for...to pursue a line of work that I don't have any leads on? That's a leap of faith, for sure, but I'll take it if You want me to..." And the peace of that decision came. So I went to my meeting & told the Field Director that I love the program, was really looking forward to doing my best at the job, but felt led to do something else, and that I hope the timing will be right to work there sometime later. He said that I was welcome to reapply whenever I felt it would work, and that he hadn't been sure whether to hire me with a 4-month committment or to do another trial week, since they had not had any new patient admissions for the past two weeks, and were looking at the possibility of being overstaffed if this trend continues.

I feel good about this decision, although it's scary...I'm unemployed after working one month, after having been unemployed for a month before that...but I've gotten several leads from people I've talked to over the past few days, applied to a few places, made a few phone calls, and continued praying for guidance. We'll see how it all works out! Because it always DOES work out...some way or another! :D