Friendship

Real friendship implies a lot more than what I see on a day-to-day basis with most people. A real friend will take the compliments and niceties along with the nitty-gritty. I want my life to be filled with people who can take and give confrontation (read "real communication", not "contention"). I learned the concept of giving and receiving confrontations in the treatment center where I began my recovery. It has changed a lot about the way I relate with others. The 'formula' for a confrontation is this: "So&so, when you do this, I think this, and I feel this. I need/would like you to this and I intend to this." It's a way of talking about the actions of others and the feelings of myself in a constructive and clear way. It removes the opportunity to control & manipulation in tough situations, and sets up an opportunity for mutual accountability and clear communication of feelings. I rarely use the formula anymore, but the concept is a big part of my interactions with people in my life. It's something that is still a struggle for me, but when I do implement it, I have so much more intimacy and freedom in the way I relate with people.

I'm realizing that the people who leave and/or enter my life lately have different degrees of willingness around real communication, and that's what determines the level of friendship that is plausible with us. My perception is that I've lost a few friendships because the people involved didn't want to talk about some feelings that could potentially be hard. It's a shame, because they assumed that I would respond a certain way, and didn't want to face that, so they didn't even give me the opportunity to talk about it. But, at the same time, I benefit from situations like this, because I know that those people aren't willing to share the same kind of openness and honesty as I am, and a real, intimate relationship just isn't feasible in that case. It also helps me to appreciate the relationships that I have that ARE capable of the level of mutual respect and communication that I desire. And that's what life is all about.

Goals

'Tis true that every day is a winding road. There is a certainty in the fact that I don't know where life will take me. But I've realized I need to plot out some markers for myself so I have at least a bit of a more concrete idea of where I've been and where I'm going. I know the general direction that I'm going. I know what I hope for in the course of the journey. I'm doing my part to get to my ultimate destination, but I don't have a lot of mile-markers set to mark my progress. To use another metaphor, I'm smack-dab in the middle of the forest, and I can see the whole valley of green, but I'm having a hard time seeing the individual trees. It's time to pick them out and give them names.

In the course of the past three years, my perspective and approach to the way I handle life has done pretty much a 180-degree turn. I'm not trying to micro-manage every step and wallowing in the chaos that results from failing miserably at that. Now, it's more of a "roll with what comes and see what God has in store" kind of approach. This new way is working SO much better for me. But I think I need some goals & objectives mixed in there, too, so I can measure the progress and change that is happening in my life. The challenge here will be to not fall back into control mode, and let myself have goals while continuing to let God handle the wheel. Wish me serenity!

fluency

I had an oral interview with one of my Spanish prof's the other day. He talked with me for a little while about my fluency. I pause a lot when I'm speaking, and he assumed that I am concentrating too much on my pronunciation, and told me not to worry so much about it,that my pronunciation is fine. But it's not that - It's that I just can't get the word I want to come out of my mouth when I want it to. It's like I start speaking and my brain freezes on me.

For as long as I can remember, I've had a hard time accessing the words that I want to say, and getting them on the conveyor belt through my brain to my mouth. Over the past 5-10 years, I've made some impressive progress in that area, in English. There have been many times when I felt a sense of gratitude toward someone talking with me, patiently straining to listen as I stalled and hemmed during a simple sentence. It's not a stutter in the mouth, but something like that in my head. I see, think, and feel the words I want to communicate, but they refuse to make the transition from thought to audible meaning. But recently I haven't had such a hard time with it...at least when speaking in my native tongue.


With Spanish, on the other hand, it's the same old story. I know what I want to say, and have a great point to make, but I'll open my mouth and after about 3 words, I can't make them come to my tongue anymore. The mental rolodex file of vocabulary spins and offers occasional words that don't quite fit, but it won't pull up the one I'm asking for. Sometimes it comes in English but, often, just doesn't present itself at all, and I have to go with one that just doesn't quite fit what I want to say, but is accessible.

Maybe this is just normal, but I wonder if it's mild form of aphasia?

Campus happenings

I love being on campus, if only for the sheer volume in opportunities to people-watch. I saw a girl this week as I was passing the theater building. She walked up to a group of people standing outside the door and a boy extended his arm to her. They hugged, and the expression on her face was one of pure, unadulterated bliss. That fueled a grin on my face for the next three buildings.
The institution of this place is so...institutional. Classic avacado green bathroom stalls, rows of fluorescent lighting, standard wall clocks, the door on Dunn Hall that has been broken for going on 14 months, according to my estimation, and apparently none of the physical facilities staff cares (I'm gonna start putting signs on it saying 'please fix me' pretty soon). But the people are what brings the place to life. I love seeing someone whom I've never had a class with and never met, but when we pass on the sidewalk, we recognize one another and smile.

The Spirit of St. Louis

I took a weekend road trip with a friend to St. Louis, MO. I was reminded of several things over those few days. Here are a few:

Spontaneity is awesome.

Good windshield wipers are indispensable.

This is my favorite type of road trip picture.

Memphis streets have infinitely fewer bugs than I-55 at night.

14-month old girls are wonderfully precious.

Watching college football is in my top three favorite ways to spend time. (Boomer Sooner!)

After 3 years of being in the same place, it's nice to be the 'new girl' sometimes.

Gi-normous gas station signs have a special place in my heart.

I am enamored of Australian accents.

The problem in front of me quite often has deeper roots somewhere else.

Music is wonderful and John Mayer rocks!

I apparently know more about Wii Sports than the average mormon girl and, sometimes, guy.

It's nice to know I'm missed.

Courtney Deliah's fashion sense has rubbed off on me over the years.

It is A-OK that I'm who I am, where I am, and when I am at this point in my life, and I'm moving forward.

Applebee's has this cool little device that lets you listen to any one of 8 televisions that are playing in the restaurant, right at your table.

'Fun' has a variety of meanings.

"I'm not gonna write you a love song, 'cause you ask for it, 'cause you need one."