Friendship

Real friendship implies a lot more than what I see on a day-to-day basis with most people. A real friend will take the compliments and niceties along with the nitty-gritty. I want my life to be filled with people who can take and give confrontation (read "real communication", not "contention"). I learned the concept of giving and receiving confrontations in the treatment center where I began my recovery. It has changed a lot about the way I relate with others. The 'formula' for a confrontation is this: "So&so, when you do this, I think this, and I feel this. I need/would like you to this and I intend to this." It's a way of talking about the actions of others and the feelings of myself in a constructive and clear way. It removes the opportunity to control & manipulation in tough situations, and sets up an opportunity for mutual accountability and clear communication of feelings. I rarely use the formula anymore, but the concept is a big part of my interactions with people in my life. It's something that is still a struggle for me, but when I do implement it, I have so much more intimacy and freedom in the way I relate with people.

I'm realizing that the people who leave and/or enter my life lately have different degrees of willingness around real communication, and that's what determines the level of friendship that is plausible with us. My perception is that I've lost a few friendships because the people involved didn't want to talk about some feelings that could potentially be hard. It's a shame, because they assumed that I would respond a certain way, and didn't want to face that, so they didn't even give me the opportunity to talk about it. But, at the same time, I benefit from situations like this, because I know that those people aren't willing to share the same kind of openness and honesty as I am, and a real, intimate relationship just isn't feasible in that case. It also helps me to appreciate the relationships that I have that ARE capable of the level of mutual respect and communication that I desire. And that's what life is all about.