something new

I'm going to start posting more often. My dilemma in blogging is that I seem to make pretty superficial posts, or write more personal things that feel like a page out of a diary. There's a balance to be found, and I'm my goal is to find & develop it. This goes along with a lot of how I've been feeling the past several weeks. I'm looking for a balance, a nitch that I really fit into, rather the two extremes I seem to fall into in life...I find myself doing something that is an effort at looking like I'm cool, savvy, interesting, but I really don't know what i'm doing or going to another extreme of throwing everything I've got into an interest for a few days, then deciding it's not really what I want.

My lifelong paradigm has been that I want to be cool, but I want to be smart. And I can't seem to be able to find a way to be either, let alone both.

Same thing with friends. I like a lot of the people around me, but I have trouble feeling like I REALLY connect with anyone to the point of being good friends. So I make an effort to be social, smile a lot, try to connect with people, but come away wanting more from the interaction. OR, I spend a lot of time at home, doing things I enjoy, which could also be shared with other people, only, I don't know anyone whom I would enjoy sharing them with.

So, I'm not quite sure what the solution is to all that, but I'm going to try to practice finding a middle by practicing writing a balanced exposition of my thought and feelings and doings.