In Shock

"My dearest friend Becky has brain cancer." I don't know how many times his thought has run through my head in the past week. I haven't known what to do with it, but to cry when it hits me, talk to people I trust when I'm feeling scared, pray, and take deep breaths. She called me on November 30th to tell me the news. I spent the first week of December trying to figure out how I could change my flight plans to accomodate a week in Oklahoma and a week in California, instead of the originally planned 2 weeks in CA. I want to be there for her. I want to support her. I want her to know I love her and can't stand that she's facing yet another physical trial.

We lived together for two years while I was a student at the University of Oklahoma. This girl is my 'kindred spirit', to quote Anne of Green Gables. She is spunky and moody and full of love and every other emotion, and loves to drive and sing to India Arie and Tori Amos and Fiona Apple. She feels things very deeply. She loves Jack Black. She has the most wonderful dark brown curly hair. She paints. She decorated her room with stars and christmas lights. She drinks Coca-Cola - the REAL thing, not diet - and leaves half bottles of it on counters and side tables all over the house. She can have an incredibly perceptive conversation about life or ghosts or why she doesn't believe something is right, and leave me pondering for days. This girl is amazing.

And I spent the past week worried I wouldn't get to see her again. I realized while setting up my Christmas tree on Saturday that this will be the fourth Christmas I've spent in Memphis. A tad over three years, but four CHRISTMASES that I've missed us being integral parts of each other's lives. On Tuesday I woke up with the dread that she might leave before I spent more time with her. My first thought of the day was "I don't want the next time I see her to be at her funeral." That scared me silly. Wednesday night I was with a group of safe, nurturing people. I mentioned her situation, and someone caught on to my sad and anxious energy. He talked with me for a few minutes, and asked if I was ok. I crumbled and cried in his arms for several minutes. "This isn't supposed to happen to someone so young!," I kept thinking. I called her on the way home and left a voicemail about my tentative plans to come be with her.