Milestones

I graduated with my B.A. in Spanish two weeks ago! It's a great feeling to know I don't have tuition, exams, or 15-minute cross-campus speed walks between classes for a while (or for EVER if I decide not to go to grad school after taking a year off)!
My whole family came for the weekend, with the exception of Austin & his wife, and Katie & her fiance. It was great to see everyone and spend time together!

After everyone had left, I got a call on Wednesday morning, May 13th, from Courtney with the news that Becky had passed away about an hour earlier. She had finished all the treatment that her doctors had for her back in August, and had been hanging in there for the last several months, though the cancer was continuing to take over her body and make things increasingly more painful for her.

I was able to drive out to Oklahoma on Friday & spent the weekend with Courtney. On Saturday, Courtney graduated from OU with her Bachelor's in Psychology, and I was really happy to be able to be there for that. Monday was Becky's funeral. It was a beautiful service, most of which Becky had planned herself beforehand. Her family put several sweet touches in it, too, and the whole event really honored the beautiful, loving, and dynamic person that Becky was to all of us in this life. It was a tough day for Courtney and me, saying goodbye to such a dear friend and former roommate. During the times that we all three lived in Norman, we spent a large portion of our time together, and Courtney & I each had our own unique individual friendships with Becky, as well. I'm grateful to have been able to spend four days with Courtney, and to mourn the loss of our close mutual friend together. We spent a good part of the weekend sharing little stories and memories of Becky as they came to our minds, and it would have been very difficult to not have had the support of each other and mutual love for Becky that we share.

It was really meaningful to me that we each had a milestone that week; though Becky's "graduation" from this mortal life on Wednesday looked different from Courtney's & my graduating from universities on the Saturdays immediately before and after her death, we each completed a phase of our lives and are continuing in our individual journeys...each accompanied and supported, in my opinion, by the other two friends.

During one of the last real conversations that Becky & I had on the phone, we talked about our friendship, and emphasized to each other that although it was likely we would not be spending the next 50 or so years seeing one another and talking on the phone in this life, that after we had both made it to the other side, we would most definitely still have a very strong friendship, and made plans to "live in the same neighborhood", however that turns out to be in the next life! I am so grateful to have had Becky Marie in my life for the past seven years! She taught me some things that I don't think I would have been able to learn in any other way during our friendship, especially during the two years that we lived together, as well as the past 18 months of this battle with cancer that she fought so valiantly. I am so honored that she shared a small portion of her experience by asking me to shave my head in support of her. The lessons I learned about Christ's atonement as a result of that experience will be invaluable in my journey here on this earth, and her example of faith during all of her trials that I witnessed, not just cancer, will continue to point the way back to Christ and our Heavenly Father during my life!



I wrote several posts about my experiences shortly after Becky's diagnosis, but a few of them I had never published on this blog. I have posted them in their original dates and labeled each one under the tag "Becky". It is really important to me to preserve the memories that I have of this precious friend and amazing woman. If you have any memories to share of her, I would love to hear/read them!

headwrap club

I've entered a new identity group. I wrap my head, and in doing so, have given myself permission to speak to strangers whom I normally would probably never have approached. There are a LOT of cultures where headcoverings for women are customary, or at least not unusual. I knew this fact, but had never really considered it. Jewish, Muslim, Indian, African(-American), Catholic nuns, and aparently some other Christian faiths, all include a custom of wearing head scarves of some fashion, to some degree.

I was in the fabric section at Wal-Mart a few weeks ago, looking for new material, feeling pretty lost and uneducated, and wishing I could talk to someone about fabrics & styles, etc. when a woman walked up with her husband and started looking at fabric on my aisle. I glanced over and, voila! She was dressed in typical Muslim clothing, complete with head covering! I acted on the impulse, before I could talk myself out of it, and asked her what she recommended. She told me she buys scarves from India, rather than make them herself, but gave me some pointers. I expressed my uneasiness around being a little white girl who's not sick, herself, and doesn't subscribe to any of the cultures that typically embody headwrapping...basically I told her I don't want to be a "poser" with this. She seemed surprized at this attitude and reassured me that there are many cultures in which women cover their heads, and that it is really quite common. I thanked her for talking with me & went on to buy a few pieces of material (that were WAAY too big for my purposes, but was later able to cut down to size & get a few identical scarves), and went on my way, happy that I had not let my hesitancy get the best of me :)

Yesterday, I was walking on campus and noticed a couple of african-american girls with wraps on their heads. One was beautiful, and I approached the girl and asked if she would explain to me how to tie a scarf that way. It turned out to be a sarong (read: Huge piece of fabric) that she got from Africa, and explained that her friend, who is Muslim and was the other girl standing next to her, had actually taught her how to wrap it. We introduced ourselves and chatted for a few minutes; one told me that Target had a sale going on for large square scarves, and gave me some tips, and they told me they'd pray for me and Becky. We then went our separate ways, and I was again struck by the simplicity and assurance I had possessed in the exchange. Historically, I've been fairly timid around approaching strangers to ask for advice or even just wanting to meet someone, but those two encounters were really quite natural.
I ended up seeing the girls two other times throughout the day, and stopped to talk again at our third meeting. I thought it was strange that we had run into each other so many times in such a short period (the last time was at Target while I was looking for said scarf sale), and I'm feeling open to whatever "The Universe" has in store for me around this experience, if any. Maybe I'll make some cool, random friends who aren't from church or recovery through this :)

Anyway, just thought this was interesting & wanted to record it.

Becky and Faith

My dear friend Becky was my reason for visiting Norman, and I had a full week of spending most of the day with her. We watched the Food Network and movies and talked and napped and ate...mostly we ate.

Becky is sick. I knew that; I'd talked to her numerous times on the phone over the past few weeks, but the gravity of it couldn't sink in until I saw her in person. The cancer is affecting her nervous system, causing her weakness and pain. She can't walk without help, she tires easily, and her voice is being affected by the medications. It was overwhelming the first day, to see my spunky, feisty friend use a walker & keep a notebook of her many meds. After the initial shock of the first day, though, I was able to see that despite her illness, that the girl is still my Becky. There is a difference between someone who is 'being strong' and someone who is strong. Becky IS STRONG! She doesn't put up a front and act strong about the situation she's in, rather, she's got what it takes to face this trial full on and do whatever it is that Heavenly Father wants her to in this experience.

It was an honor to witness the solidarity of character that she possesses. And to see that she can be frustrated and scared, and struggle with her faith in this process, which doesn't take away from her strength, because is it part of her! Someone asked me at church how she was doing, and said she'd heard that Becky was struggling with her faith. I realized that some people want to see the stone-faced stance in someone who is going through a trial. But the REAL perseverance and growth that comes in a trial is to struggle (which some people, in their fear, hear as "lose") and become stronger in one's faith, which doesn't come from saying so, but from experiencing the spectrum of feelings and uncertainties and finding how to let God mold one's heart and will according to His plan. It's not something one can just decide and make happen. In that case, it's not real, but just another example of 'being strong'. I think this is part of what I have always loved about Becky - She's got faith, but that doesn't mean she can't experience the feelings and emotions that come with being mortal along with her faith.

The image that comes to mind is that of birth. A fetus struggles in the womb and birth canal, and gets worn out in the process, and cries and most likely doesn't want to progress to the next phase of the unknown world, but it's inevitable and, really, for the best to be born. We don't fault a child (or a mother) for screaming and wishing to not be in that situation, but because of it, one is made stronger and able to progress, either as a newborn child with his mortal life before him, or as a mother with the opportunity to love in a new, greater capacity.

shorn

My roommate's dad shaved my head for me on Saturday. I keep startling myself when I walk past mirrors or reach up to scratch my head. And I can't keep from rubbing my head if I'm sitting talking to someone or watching tv. It feels so different. Becky's been on my mind more than ever the last two days. I've been wearing the head scarf that she gave me a few years ago, which is really special/significant to me. I was getting ready to go in to church yesterday, and the thought occured to me that I've shaven my head 'in remembrance' of Becky. It is a constant reminder of her in my life and a symbol to myself and others of the relationship I have with her. I wondered if I have the same kind of apparent 'remembrance' of the Savior in my life. I think I probably do, just not so starkly apparent to me, because they've become more of an integrated part of my life.

It's interesting, too, because my head leads me to remember Christ and His atonement more, also. I realize that my efforts to support Becky are so miniscule in the broad range of experiences she's going through with this. But Christ has experienced it all. I can't appreciate what's going on, but he can. It helps me see how much I can be an instrument in His hands in succoring the people in my life, but I can't help anyone truely without His guidance.

Coneheads

I came home yesterday to find the movie Coneheads in my latest Netflix shipment. I think it's a little ironic that the evening before I shave my head, I watched a movie about bald 'people' with oddly shaped heads.

Tiaras

Becky had a head fetish while we lived together, too. When she was having a bad day, or even just when she wanted to feel special, she would find her tiara and wear it around the house. Tiaras are the instant anti-depressant. They just transform everything and make it better. We would sometimes clean the house or watch movies while both wearing tiaras. They became a sort of trademark of our apartment. Once I answered the door wearing mine when our friend Mike came over to visit, and he gave me an odd look, but when I explained the ritual, he was behind it all the way.

I still wear mine occasionally when I'm having a bad day, and I fully intend to bring it to Oklahoma and have some bald-and-beautiful tiara time with Becky :)

Support

This morning Becky called me while I was getting ready for work. She told me she'd gone ahead and shaved her head yesterday. She starts radiation on Monday, and they're going to give her a tatoo to mark where they will be focusing the laser. She said "I have a question for you, and I understand if you say no. You don't have to answer right now, just think about it. Would you consider shaving your head in support of me?" I knew my answer as soon as she asked. I said "Yes, I will do that!" then, knowing she wouldn't take the answer right then, added "I will definitely consider that," and we talked about the possibilities of my coming out there for a few days.

I couldn't concentrate for very long at a time at work. I spent the morning mulling over the idea of shaving my head as a way to experience a small part of what she was going through. The significance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ stuck out boldly in my head. He's experienced EVERYTHING, even Becky's cancer. I can't do that, but I can give my hair up for a few months, like she's doing, and share a small part in her experience. It hit me that for the past week I'd been thinking of her cancer as a life and death scenario. Either she was going to get through this or she might not...but considering the reality of the fact that she'd shaved her head made things a lot more real. This isn't an 'I make it or I don't' kind of situation. It's a million little different things that she's going to endure. It's the diagnosis, and seeing the progression of the cell growth over just days on two different MRIs. It's losing that beautiful hair. It's wearing bandanas and scarves. It's headaches and fatigue. It's wishing that the people around her would just cry with her. It's starting radiation therapy. And steroids. And medications. And then Chemo. And...and...

This is a trial with - only God knows how many - different tiny experiences. Something to endure through. And all I can really do with her is cry and pray and shave my head. But not the really scary stuff. I can't even fathom what it's like for her.

A few years ago, Becky came home to find me talking on my phone, with a turtleneck sweater wrapped and tied around my head in a somewhat turban-like fashion. I had absentmindedly worked it up so that it would stay on my head while I carried on a conversation and cooked some dinner. Occasionally, I'd turn up with my hair tied up in a dish towel, or something, and she'd laugh at me and point out the headpiece I'd forgotten about. We decided I had some kind of subconscious obsession with things on my head. A few weeks later, she gave me a large green and gold-ish cloth for my birthday. It was my very own head wrap. I wore it several times, out around the city, to church, or just to lounge in in the house. I loved it. I haven't worn it in a few years, but when I see it in my drawer, I always smile.

This morning the thought crossed my mind how full circle this situation has come...I have an opportunity to put the headwrap to good use, and as I wear it on my bald head, I get support the woman who gave it to me all that time ago.

She called me again after lunch to tell me that if I could work it out, she really wanted me to come be with her. I said I would, and that I was going to shave my head tomorrow.

In Shock

"My dearest friend Becky has brain cancer." I don't know how many times his thought has run through my head in the past week. I haven't known what to do with it, but to cry when it hits me, talk to people I trust when I'm feeling scared, pray, and take deep breaths. She called me on November 30th to tell me the news. I spent the first week of December trying to figure out how I could change my flight plans to accomodate a week in Oklahoma and a week in California, instead of the originally planned 2 weeks in CA. I want to be there for her. I want to support her. I want her to know I love her and can't stand that she's facing yet another physical trial.

We lived together for two years while I was a student at the University of Oklahoma. This girl is my 'kindred spirit', to quote Anne of Green Gables. She is spunky and moody and full of love and every other emotion, and loves to drive and sing to India Arie and Tori Amos and Fiona Apple. She feels things very deeply. She loves Jack Black. She has the most wonderful dark brown curly hair. She paints. She decorated her room with stars and christmas lights. She drinks Coca-Cola - the REAL thing, not diet - and leaves half bottles of it on counters and side tables all over the house. She can have an incredibly perceptive conversation about life or ghosts or why she doesn't believe something is right, and leave me pondering for days. This girl is amazing.

And I spent the past week worried I wouldn't get to see her again. I realized while setting up my Christmas tree on Saturday that this will be the fourth Christmas I've spent in Memphis. A tad over three years, but four CHRISTMASES that I've missed us being integral parts of each other's lives. On Tuesday I woke up with the dread that she might leave before I spent more time with her. My first thought of the day was "I don't want the next time I see her to be at her funeral." That scared me silly. Wednesday night I was with a group of safe, nurturing people. I mentioned her situation, and someone caught on to my sad and anxious energy. He talked with me for a few minutes, and asked if I was ok. I crumbled and cried in his arms for several minutes. "This isn't supposed to happen to someone so young!," I kept thinking. I called her on the way home and left a voicemail about my tentative plans to come be with her.

Deep Breath

I found out this evening that one of my very dearest friends has brain cancer. I'm scared and angry and sad and concerned. I hate that she has had so many physical trials, and that she's got another - a crazy-scary one - to deal with. I hate that I can't be there to be with her. I want to support her, but I don't know how to except for praying. I can't imagine how she and her family and husband are dealing with this. I'm very confused and bewildered. If you read this, please pray for Becky and her family that they will be supported in the very best way possible through this trial.